Problem Solving Kids Turn into Problem Solving Adults

I was reading an interview with the comic Jerry Seinfeld in Parade Magazine recently, (http://www.parade.com/celebrity/2010/02/jerry-seinfeld.html) and he discussed what he considers to be the three rules of parenting, what he refers to as the "Poison Ps."

Number 1 he thinks we praise our children too much. Because when they hear it too often, it doesn't ring true. Children can sniff out a lie almost as fast as you can tell it.

Number 2 is problem solving - that parents try to foster a problem free environment, or if a problem arises, the parent fixes it for the child. This doesn't allow for the child to learn to solve his own problems and this is an incredibly important life long skill we all need.

Number 3 is giving your child too much pleasure. If you spoil them it takes that much more for them to experience the pleasure of a situation. There was a show on MTV called My Sweet Sixteen where parents would throw absolutely obscene birthday parties for their children when they turned 16 years old -- stretch limos, live bands, expensive clothes, catered food with ice sculptures -- the whole bit. If this is what happens at 16, what happens when they graduate high school, or college, or get married?

But I want to focus in on Number 2 - problem solving. It's difficult sometimes to hear one of my children cry and not run over and fix it for him. (I admit, sometimes I do run over and fix it for him.) But sometimes, when you let them feel the feeling, or taste the consequence, the lesson sinks in much deeper for them, than it would have if you fixed it for them. And in the long run, that is more helpful to them.

I was at a party one time when a little girl wanted to dance with the other little kids, and she kept tugging on her mother's sleeve, begging her mother to dance with her. The girl is shy and the mother wanted her to dance on her own, to show her she was able to do it by herself and boost her confidence. The mother politely told the little girl no over and over, she wouldn't dance with her. This went on for about 20minutes until finally, the girl realized if she was going to dance, she was going to have to go it alone.

And she did.

And she had a great time doing it. If we always fix their problems for them, they don't learn their about their own abilities, their own strengths, their own power to figure it out for themselves. And that is a life skill every single person needs to survive in this world. We all have problems that arise everyday. Unfortunatly, that is something that never goes away. People who are successful are able to understand the problem, find a solution for it, and keep on going. People who are not successful, get angry that the problem is happening again, and complain about it rather than just solving it and moving on.

And you know that old adage is true: little kids, little problems - big kids, big problems. If you are able to show them at a young age, that they have the ability to solve their own problems, when the consequences are higher and the need is greater for them to come up with an answer, the problem-solving ability will be there.

So, I agree with Mr. Seinfeld, and I think it's ok for a kid to have to see or feel a problem (even if that means crying) and learn to deal with it on his own. Don't fix everything for them, let them figure it out, and know that this will serve them well as they get older.