Tell me if this sounds familiar: you ask your child to do his homework, go to bed, turn off the TV, etc. and he resists or ignores you? This behavior can often be labeled as passive aggressive. When it gets pretty bad, the child is so successful at resisting you, you just do whatever it is you asked him to do. For example - "John, will you empty the dishwasher?" (Repeated 5 times over the course of a half an hour). John dawdles, watches TV, tells you to wait, etc. Rather than get in a fight, or keep repeating yourself, you just empty the dishwasher yourself.
ARGH. Who's in control in this situation? John is. If you get mad, and lose your cool, John still thinks he won. He's not upset, you are. How did we get here? Kids develop passive aggressive tendencies as a way to avoid feelings, chores or conflicts. Rather than expressing himself, and dealing with the conflict of him not wanting to do what you asked, he just resists. If it gets him out of the chore, the pattern could continue causing a lot of arguments in the house.
Another way this can be played out would be, "Carrie, if you clean your room and do your laundry, I'll give you $20 to go to the mall." She doesn't clean her room or do her laundry, but she's running off to the mall and you give her the $20 anyway. This is a slippery slope to no good.
The ugly truth of it is this, by resisting you, your child is often training you to give up and leave him alone. You start to lower your expectations of your child and expect less and less from him. It works for a lot of kids, so they use it.
Dr. James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation Program says, "Instead of building bridges, passive-aggressive behavior tears down communication quietly, closing window after window."
Some ways Dr. Lehman says you can combat this behavior are:
* If you get angry in front of your child, show him that you can handle your anger and use it to resolve the conflict.
* Sit down and discuss why the child is not doing what is expected of her. If she is slow to start her homework, perhaps it is because she doesn't think she knows how to do the assignment. In this case, you can encourage her to start and help her break it down into smaller, more manageable tasks.
* Build in times when the chore has to be finished by. In the examples above, you could say to John, "Please empty the dishwasher by 8 pm. If you choose not to, you won't be able to watch TV tomorrow." And then let it go. Now it's back on him to take responsibility for his actions. For Carrie, "I need you to clean your room and do your laundry by Friday or you won't get any spending money for the mall."
* Reward good behavior. When he does empty the dishwasher by 8 and gets to bed on time, give him an extra half hour to play on the computer. Or if Carrie gets her chores done by Thursday, let her bring a couple of friends with her to the mall. This way, they are motivated to do what's expected of them and it feels good.
* Keep the lines of communication open with your son or daughter. Tell her, I understand your angry, but holding it in, or acting out is not going to get us any closer to a solution. Let's try to figure it out together.
* Stress the importance of working together as a family. Everyone lives here, and everyone pitches in to keep it clean. Thanks for helping by emptying the dishwasher.
Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is an ineffective coping skill. In order for a child to stop using it, they have to learn an effective coping skill with which to replace it. Coping skills will not be abandoned because they’re ineffective unless a more healthy coping skill is learned to replace it.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A Vision of a Peaceful Family
Ha! You know I have the best intentions with this blog, to help others in their dealings with their families and friends, but it's causing me to take a good, long look in the mirror, too.
Yesterday I was very happy, many signs in my life (and emails I was receiving) were pointing me to create a vision for my life. I read a great article by Steve Pavlina,
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2010/03/creating-your-vision/
which gave me the step-by-step process of how to do so.
I read the article, and dutifully set about creating my vision for my life.
Then my kids came home. I fixed them something to eat, and they were loud. I kept asking them to be quiet, finally I sent the one away from the table. After a while, I asked him to start his homework, and it went downhill fast. I was angry that he doesn't follow directions, that I have to ask him to do things 12 times, basically that he wants to do what he wants to do, while I want him to do what I want him to do, NOW!
And I was angry that he was loud. But today, I'm thinking, maybe I was angry at him behaving like a little boy. Aren't little boys loud? Don't they want to do what they want to do? But shouldn't they listen to their mothers? Shouldn't they do their homework when they are asked to?
So, today, needless to say, I wasn't feeling nearly as great when I sat down to read my vision again. It was hard to get in that frame of mind and imagine and feel it like it was already here. Perhaps, I told myself in a tiny attempt at cheer, this is happening so I can FEEL how the people I am writing for feel when they are arguing with their families.
I've been taking a course on a book called "Lessons In Truth" by Dr. H. Emilie Cady. I had to write a paper on it, and I surmised that part of the thesis of her book is that we choose our thoughts. We shape our realities by what we choose to think. She also argues, that by meditating and getting to know God better, you come to a place where you know that you know. Meaning, if you get quiet, and listen for the (what she calls) "still small voice" others may call it intuition, you know the answer. You know what you're supposed to do.
So, I took the course, I wrote the paper, I write the blog, so did I do it? Did I meditate and know that I already know the answer to my above mentioned questions? NO, I did NOT.
I went looking on the web for what someone else has to say about it. And although I am on my way to meditate now, and I do think that is a good way for me to figure out why I am inpatient with my children this week and what the lesson is they are trying to show me, I am going to share with you what I found on the web, too, so you can have a 35-page print out of How to Parent Effectively.
Shelley Lefkoe is the co-founder of the Lefkoe Institute, and the founder and President of the Possibilities of Parenting Center (POPC), a division of the Lefkoe Institute. The mission of the POPC is two-fold: to have parents discover that self-esteem (the experience of being able and worthy) and a positive attitude toward life are the key to their children's happiness and success;
and to empower parents to assist their children in the creation of positive self-esteem and a healthy view of life.
She has co-written an eBook, Chicken Soup for the Soul's Guide to Effective Parenting. You can download it for $19.95 from this link:
http://www.lefkoeinstitute.com/parenting-ebook.html
She knows,that "our beliefs about ourselves, people, and life are crucial in determining how we live." So she created this systematic approach to dealing with our kids to help us achieve that vision that we want for our families so
we can "get your kids to do things like homework, brushing their teeth, and cleaning their room - without a battle."
When thinking about my own situation, I think my son has a responsibility for his actions, too. I don't want to be a complete pushover and think, "Well, he's just being a little boy." He does a responsibility to do his homework and respect what his mother tells him. And I have a responsibility to respect him and understand that he is a little boy.
I do know, that I don't want to yell, or get angry, or cajole him to get him to do what I want. I want a nice, peaceful, loving family, for my family and for yours, so I point you in the direction of this ebook and daily meditation time to try to achieve that vision in our lives. Good luck!
Yesterday I was very happy, many signs in my life (and emails I was receiving) were pointing me to create a vision for my life. I read a great article by Steve Pavlina,
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2010/03/creating-your-vision/
which gave me the step-by-step process of how to do so.
I read the article, and dutifully set about creating my vision for my life.
Then my kids came home. I fixed them something to eat, and they were loud. I kept asking them to be quiet, finally I sent the one away from the table. After a while, I asked him to start his homework, and it went downhill fast. I was angry that he doesn't follow directions, that I have to ask him to do things 12 times, basically that he wants to do what he wants to do, while I want him to do what I want him to do, NOW!
And I was angry that he was loud. But today, I'm thinking, maybe I was angry at him behaving like a little boy. Aren't little boys loud? Don't they want to do what they want to do? But shouldn't they listen to their mothers? Shouldn't they do their homework when they are asked to?
So, today, needless to say, I wasn't feeling nearly as great when I sat down to read my vision again. It was hard to get in that frame of mind and imagine and feel it like it was already here. Perhaps, I told myself in a tiny attempt at cheer, this is happening so I can FEEL how the people I am writing for feel when they are arguing with their families.
I've been taking a course on a book called "Lessons In Truth" by Dr. H. Emilie Cady. I had to write a paper on it, and I surmised that part of the thesis of her book is that we choose our thoughts. We shape our realities by what we choose to think. She also argues, that by meditating and getting to know God better, you come to a place where you know that you know. Meaning, if you get quiet, and listen for the (what she calls) "still small voice" others may call it intuition, you know the answer. You know what you're supposed to do.
So, I took the course, I wrote the paper, I write the blog, so did I do it? Did I meditate and know that I already know the answer to my above mentioned questions? NO, I did NOT.
I went looking on the web for what someone else has to say about it. And although I am on my way to meditate now, and I do think that is a good way for me to figure out why I am inpatient with my children this week and what the lesson is they are trying to show me, I am going to share with you what I found on the web, too, so you can have a 35-page print out of How to Parent Effectively.
Shelley Lefkoe is the co-founder of the Lefkoe Institute, and the founder and President of the Possibilities of Parenting Center (POPC), a division of the Lefkoe Institute. The mission of the POPC is two-fold: to have parents discover that self-esteem (the experience of being able and worthy) and a positive attitude toward life are the key to their children's happiness and success;
and to empower parents to assist their children in the creation of positive self-esteem and a healthy view of life.
She has co-written an eBook, Chicken Soup for the Soul's Guide to Effective Parenting. You can download it for $19.95 from this link:
http://www.lefkoeinstitute.com/parenting-ebook.html
She knows,that "our beliefs about ourselves, people, and life are crucial in determining how we live." So she created this systematic approach to dealing with our kids to help us achieve that vision that we want for our families so
we can "get your kids to do things like homework, brushing their teeth, and cleaning their room - without a battle."
When thinking about my own situation, I think my son has a responsibility for his actions, too. I don't want to be a complete pushover and think, "Well, he's just being a little boy." He does a responsibility to do his homework and respect what his mother tells him. And I have a responsibility to respect him and understand that he is a little boy.
I do know, that I don't want to yell, or get angry, or cajole him to get him to do what I want. I want a nice, peaceful, loving family, for my family and for yours, so I point you in the direction of this ebook and daily meditation time to try to achieve that vision in our lives. Good luck!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Heroes Among Us
A bit of good news from the Good News Herald Atl:
They say that there is always a gift to be found in suffering.
Our world is undergoing a major transformation right now, transitioning from one period to another. For that reason, there is a lot of suffering right now.
There is a lot of violence. There is a lot of war. There's a lot of unemployment. There is a lot of drug use (prescription and illegal). And there are many natural disasters: the Asian tsunami, Katrina, and now the powerful earthquakes in Haiti and Chile.
But in the suffering caused by these natural disasters, the gift I see is the outpouring of compassion and empathy being shown to fellow humans across borders and over oceans.
When the tsunami hit poor coastal communities in 14 countries along the Indian Ocean millions of dollars were immediately raised and many people flooded into the devasted countries to assist in the cleaning and rebuilding process. Three years later, there were good news reports of how that money was spent to rebuild houses, bridges, fishing harbors, and infrastructure to get clean water and proper sanitation for the people still living in these areas.
The aftermath of Katrina is still going on 4 years after the fact. But there are still people there on the ground in New Orleans helping to rebuild what was lost when the levees broke. Here, too, good can be seen coming from the days of when 80 percent of New Orleans was underwater. New residents have come to the area as the recovery efforts continue, new industries are setting up in the region, and innovative charter schools have replaced many failing public schools. There are still problems, and the Ninth Ward is still pretty vacant, but the recovery effort has brought gifts to this city (Who Dat? Way to go Saints!) and the spirit of the people of New Orleans has not dimmed, but shone brighter through it all.
What is incredible to see then, and now, in the wake of the Haiti disaster, are the thousands of people who take it upon themselves to help out. No one asked them to. No one came to their house specifically and told them to take some time off from your job, your family, your life - and use your own money and resources to head down to a disaster zone and help out.
But they did anyway.
They simply feel a calling to help those affected and it's amazing. They are true heroes. These are people who, because they have skills that will be helpful, as doctors, nurses, firefighters, counselors, or just warm bodies - band together and help people who need it. It's a beautiful thing to see.
One web site sent called Matador sent an email out saying they were going to head to Haiti, and got 250 responses from people that were interested in dropping everything and going with them. They received messages like this,
I want to give attention to these ordinarilary ordinary people, with big, friendly, open hearts who became extraordinary by seeing a need and doing what they could to help. There are so many of them! They all deserve a big pat on the back and a "Job well done!" for setting a beautiful, human example and showing us the gift amidst the suffering.
They say that there is always a gift to be found in suffering.
Our world is undergoing a major transformation right now, transitioning from one period to another. For that reason, there is a lot of suffering right now.
There is a lot of violence. There is a lot of war. There's a lot of unemployment. There is a lot of drug use (prescription and illegal). And there are many natural disasters: the Asian tsunami, Katrina, and now the powerful earthquakes in Haiti and Chile.
But in the suffering caused by these natural disasters, the gift I see is the outpouring of compassion and empathy being shown to fellow humans across borders and over oceans.
When the tsunami hit poor coastal communities in 14 countries along the Indian Ocean millions of dollars were immediately raised and many people flooded into the devasted countries to assist in the cleaning and rebuilding process. Three years later, there were good news reports of how that money was spent to rebuild houses, bridges, fishing harbors, and infrastructure to get clean water and proper sanitation for the people still living in these areas.
The aftermath of Katrina is still going on 4 years after the fact. But there are still people there on the ground in New Orleans helping to rebuild what was lost when the levees broke. Here, too, good can be seen coming from the days of when 80 percent of New Orleans was underwater. New residents have come to the area as the recovery efforts continue, new industries are setting up in the region, and innovative charter schools have replaced many failing public schools. There are still problems, and the Ninth Ward is still pretty vacant, but the recovery effort has brought gifts to this city (Who Dat? Way to go Saints!) and the spirit of the people of New Orleans has not dimmed, but shone brighter through it all.
What is incredible to see then, and now, in the wake of the Haiti disaster, are the thousands of people who take it upon themselves to help out. No one asked them to. No one came to their house specifically and told them to take some time off from your job, your family, your life - and use your own money and resources to head down to a disaster zone and help out.
But they did anyway.
They simply feel a calling to help those affected and it's amazing. They are true heroes. These are people who, because they have skills that will be helpful, as doctors, nurses, firefighters, counselors, or just warm bodies - band together and help people who need it. It's a beautiful thing to see.
One web site sent called Matador sent an email out saying they were going to head to Haiti, and got 250 responses from people that were interested in dropping everything and going with them. They received messages like this,
"I am arriving to Puerto Plata on Friday for a previously planned vacation with my boyfriend. We are willing to join your group to volunteer if it is safe and feasible (we have a car) so I look forward to seeing how that plan comes together.”
“I have no idea where to even start but I did a quick google search and I have a HUGE feeling in my heart that I need to get to Haiti as soon as possible to do whatever I can to help these people. I have little money, but I have been a dairy farmer my whole life and I am more than able to work long and hard for these people.”
“Please keep me posted on possible volunteer opportunities in Haiti. My husband and I are adopting a little boy named Jeffry from Haiti, and had the opportunity to travel there in September. The people of Haiti and the country itself hold a piece of my heart. I have a current passport and am willing and able to do whatever I can. Thanks for your care and concern for Haiti!”
“Hi, my name is Joanne, and I am very saddened by this terrible and devastating event that has happened yesterday. I wouldn’t want anything more than to go to Haiti and help as much as I can. I am CPR certified and have almost complete training as an EMT. Please keep me up to date about possibly going over to help. Thank you.”
Hi my name is Rudy. I really want to go to Haiti and help in anyway that I can. I am also fluent in French and will pay airfare.
Please let me know what I can do.
Hi, I’m 32 years old French Canadian from Montreal born in Haïti, I’m free to get Haïti in a couple of days by myself. I was lifeguard in the past. I’m a real estate apparaiser with administration qualifications. I’m open to do anythings, I might need a roof. I can stay over there for 6 to 8 weeks.
Hello my name is Giovanni. I am 22 years old, I am a certified EMT-B with current CPR/First Aid and AED certifications, I already have a passport. I am willing and ready to aid in the efforts to help Haiti.
"I am a certified Medical assistant. Also certified for CPR. I work with the Army as a Medical Assistant every once in a while. Please e-mail me as soon as possible, I would love to drop anything I have going on to help. Thank you!"
"I am a nurse of 40 years and want to go to Haiti to help in any way I can. I can get the time off and pay for my own airfare. I work for a large company and I am sure that I can get monetary donations as well as my own medical supplies and anything else that may be needed."
"I to would like to donate my services as a EMT and FIrefighter/ rescue tech I have performed multiply searches and rescues and have Construction and Electrical Experince as well as Demolition experince would be happy to travel there with any group going to assist I can be reached at *****."
"Hello I am a certified heavy equipment operator looking to help out any way I can in rescue or demolition or whatever….I could pay my own airfare…I am good to go at a moments notice."
"I am a certified EMT & Firefighter with cofined space rescue and other certifications and would be more then happy to help with the rescue & recovery operations in Haiti I am not looking for money and I can bring large stockpile of medical supplies that have been donated by local hospitals here with my I am willing to spend as long as i am needed down there I can be contacted at ***** I will travel with any group any I am willing to travel by any means."
I want to give attention to these ordinarilary ordinary people, with big, friendly, open hearts who became extraordinary by seeing a need and doing what they could to help. There are so many of them! They all deserve a big pat on the back and a "Job well done!" for setting a beautiful, human example and showing us the gift amidst the suffering.
Like Mother, Like Daughter? by Karen Schachter
We moms have a tough path to walk as we help our daughters navigate the sometimes choppy waters of growing up girl. It's our job to protect our children and do our best to keep them safe and healthy, yet we also have to allow them to grow, stretch and learn from their own mistakes. It's a fine line between letting them be who they are and wanting to "tweak" them just a little bit so they don't suffer from the same mistakes or struggles that we did.
When it comes to healthy eating and a positive body image, this fine line can feel fragile and confusing, particularly if you struggle with these issues yourself.
When I teach workshops or work individually with moms, I am always asked some of the same questions: Should I let my kids have desert every day? How do I deal with their love of sweets? How can I help her stop eating when she's not hungry anymore? How can I help her lose weight without making her feel bad about her body? How can I help her feel good about her body, no matter what its size? How can I help her feel good about herself and treat herself with respect?
Although I can give concrete "answers" to many of these questions, the truth is, there is no one "right" answer that works for everyone, all the time. There is no "magic bullet" to self-esteem, body confidence, self-care, and inspiring good health in your daughter.
However, there is one piece of the puzzle that is so important, one KEY asset that is SO valuable, and one action that IS within our control...that is more powerful than anything we can say or anything we can feed them.
YOU.
As her mom, the only thing you really have control over (especially as she gets older) is who YOU are BEING and how YOU are negotiating your own health, your own eating, your own body image and your own self -esteem. Are you embodying the actions and feelings that you want her to learn?
Here's a little food for thought to get you going:
1. Next time you notice yourself betwixt and between about an eating habit of your daughter's, check in with yourself: Is there something about that behavior that reminds you of one of your own struggles? (Go ahead and address it in YOURSELF first).
2. Imagine that your daughter develops a delicious, nourishing and healthy relationship to food, eating and her body - what will that look like? Go ahead and try out some of those self-nourishing actions for YOURSELF.
3. What if food, eating and body image weren't a concern, for you or for your daughter? What if you had true freedom and peace with these things? What would your energy and attention be focused on instead? (Go ahead and give it a try).
Here's the thing: Our daughters learn how to live in their bodies and care for themselves with food and in their lives from MANY sources, including the media, their peers, their families, and from all the women in their lives. I am on a mission - and I invite you to join me - to help change the "face" of what the next generation of girls is learning - and I believe we must first BE THE CHANGE we wish to see in them. (When moms set their minds to something, there is no telling what could happen...)
Copyright (c) 2009 Healthy Bodies, Happy Minds
About The Author
Karen Schachter, a psychotherapist and coach, is committed to helping girls and women find peace, nourishment and wellbeing with food and their bodies. To receive her FREE Special Report: 7 Secrets To Having The Relationship With Food You've Always Wanted, go to http://www.healthybodieshappyminds.com
The author invites you to visit:
http://healthybodieshappyminds.com
When it comes to healthy eating and a positive body image, this fine line can feel fragile and confusing, particularly if you struggle with these issues yourself.
When I teach workshops or work individually with moms, I am always asked some of the same questions: Should I let my kids have desert every day? How do I deal with their love of sweets? How can I help her stop eating when she's not hungry anymore? How can I help her lose weight without making her feel bad about her body? How can I help her feel good about her body, no matter what its size? How can I help her feel good about herself and treat herself with respect?
Although I can give concrete "answers" to many of these questions, the truth is, there is no one "right" answer that works for everyone, all the time. There is no "magic bullet" to self-esteem, body confidence, self-care, and inspiring good health in your daughter.
However, there is one piece of the puzzle that is so important, one KEY asset that is SO valuable, and one action that IS within our control...that is more powerful than anything we can say or anything we can feed them.
YOU.
As her mom, the only thing you really have control over (especially as she gets older) is who YOU are BEING and how YOU are negotiating your own health, your own eating, your own body image and your own self -esteem. Are you embodying the actions and feelings that you want her to learn?
Here's a little food for thought to get you going:
1. Next time you notice yourself betwixt and between about an eating habit of your daughter's, check in with yourself: Is there something about that behavior that reminds you of one of your own struggles? (Go ahead and address it in YOURSELF first).
2. Imagine that your daughter develops a delicious, nourishing and healthy relationship to food, eating and her body - what will that look like? Go ahead and try out some of those self-nourishing actions for YOURSELF.
3. What if food, eating and body image weren't a concern, for you or for your daughter? What if you had true freedom and peace with these things? What would your energy and attention be focused on instead? (Go ahead and give it a try).
Here's the thing: Our daughters learn how to live in their bodies and care for themselves with food and in their lives from MANY sources, including the media, their peers, their families, and from all the women in their lives. I am on a mission - and I invite you to join me - to help change the "face" of what the next generation of girls is learning - and I believe we must first BE THE CHANGE we wish to see in them. (When moms set their minds to something, there is no telling what could happen...)
Copyright (c) 2009 Healthy Bodies, Happy Minds
About The Author
Karen Schachter, a psychotherapist and coach, is committed to helping girls and women find peace, nourishment and wellbeing with food and their bodies. To receive her FREE Special Report: 7 Secrets To Having The Relationship With Food You've Always Wanted, go to http://www.healthybodieshappyminds.com
The author invites you to visit:
http://healthybodieshappyminds.com
8 Ways to Survive (and Maybe Even Enjoy) a Family Holiday with a Child with Autism by Jennifer Krumins
Work has become tedious. The walls of your home seem to be closing in. You NEED a vacation. But the thought of traveling with your children, especially your child with autism, is less than enticing.
Families need vacations: time to escape the regular chores, schedules and routines of home and family. Holidays mean a chance to break away from routine, a change of pace, new setting, different food, people and activities; not exactly autism friendly! Traveling with children is always more challenging, but planning a vacation with a child with autism can seem downright daunting.
There are ways to alleviate some of the stress and create an enjoyable getaway for every member of the family. Some simple guidelines and smart planning will make a big difference!
Start small
Children with autism do best with learning in small steps. If your child has never had time away from home it is wise to take a “mini vacation” for a few hours, build up to a whole day and soon after that a night away. The more familiar a child is with a new activity the less anxiety they will experience. A few hours spent in an activity close to home that is similar to what you plan to do on vacation, will be worth the time and energy. You may choose to visit a local museum, a nearby beach, a mall or spend some time on a boat. The closer the “mini holiday” matches the real thing, the better. The more practice a child has with an activity (given the proper strategies) the more they will be able to regulate emotions and enjoy the experience.
Take time to preview
Our anxiety levels typically increase when we have no clue what to expect about an upcoming event. Many people have a difficult time with the “unknown.” This is particularly true of kids with autism! As adults, we may choose to browse a travel guide, read rating scales and look at photo galleries of places where we plan to visit in order to preview where we are going and what we can expect. Our children who live with autism will benefit from these activities as well. Browse the Internet, peruse travel brochures and maybe even visit a bookstore and/or library to allow your child to read about a specific place that you plan to visit. There is an abundance of books about traveling on an airplane, visiting grandparents, ocean life or life in big cities. Whatever you decide to do with your family, reading about it is an awesome way to acquaint your children with the idea.
Don’t leave home without the visuals
Visual supports are an absolute necessity when traveling with children that have autism…even if you are away from home for a day! Pictures, calendars, maps, brochures and photos provide individuals with autism a priceless gift of predictability and order. Holidays can be filled with distractions, changes of plans, new events and unknown people. The potential for meltdowns is high when family members are tired, routines are off, and emotions and expectations are on overload and. Visual supports can act as an anxiety reducer and a welcome relief.
Individuals with autism gain a sense of calm from predictability and familiarity. When planning a trip, highlight the route on a map and if you know where you plan to stop, mark those spots on the map. Maps are often appealing to children with autism and they provide a visual tool that the child can hold and manipulate as they travel. For children that can read you may consider providing a list of some of the towns or cities through which you will travel. Children can check them off as they go or just use them as a reference when they want to know, where they are. Maps and trip itineraries are useful tools to reduce anxiety because they provide a tangible reference point and predictability. Route changes can also be made quickly on the map or just written on a piece of paper.
Not knowing how days will be filled and what will happen next is unnerving for individuals who live with autism (and for many non autistic people)! Many of us rely on electronic gadgets or day planners to keep us feeling directed, calm and in control. When planning your family trip, bring along a calendar or a day planner of some sort. Attach a strip of Velcro on each day of the trip and bring along pictures of activities or places that are associated with each day. Photographs, brochure cut outs, or homemade pictures will work. If the child is able to read, then writing on the calendar gives our children the opportunity to see what is coming and to organize the time in their minds. The Velcro offers us the flexibility of changing plans if necessary. It also demonstrates to our kids that events are not always fixed; plans change. The key is to teach the child to refer to the calendar when they are feeling uneasy. Reward them when they do so. The alternative is to listen to a constant barrage of questions.
Plan time fairly
Choose a few favorite activities rather than trying to cram everything into the day. A trip to Disneyland can be a sensory nightmare for a child with autism. Limiting the amount of activity done in a day will go a long way to making the trip more pleasant for the whole family. Do you really have to visit all of the theme parks? Is it necessary to shop in every mall? Must you participate in all of the resort activities? Your child with autism may not be capable of managing the sensory, emotional and social stimulation that more typical children are able to cope with.
Holidays by nature, tend to be very social, unpredictable and novel. Children with autism need “downtime” from the hustle uncertainty of holidays. This may mean allowing him to participate in a favorite activity for a portion of time; whatever activity he truly enjoys doing that helps him to unwind. It may mean that the child spins, jumps, twirls a sensory toy or just sits in a chair. Watching the history channel while the family is down at the beach may be just what the teen with autism needs. The activity is child driven and NOT the parent driven. Using a timer or visual clock helps to set parameters around the activity. Using cell phones or Walkie Talkies allow parents and kids to communicate when they are not in direct contact.
Plan for unstructured time
Children with autism may not be able to generate ideas to amuse themselves and parents shouldn’t have to be entertainment directors. Some simple tools will make unstructured times like travel time and waiting for flights much more bearable. Start with a written or picture menu of all of the available items to play with. Be sure to show only the choices that ARE available! Fidget toys, digital toys, magnetic travel games, ipods, handheld games, a whiteboard with markers and magnetic puzzles are invaluable when down time is non negotiable. “Wait cards” and “Unavailable cards” are invaluable when we need to let a child know that an activity or item is either delayed or not available. These cards must be part of the child’s daily life before the vacation so that they are tolerable for the child during the holiday. Pack a bag that contains all of the activities and be sure to have it handy when the waiting begins. Using a timer or a schedule helps the child know how long the activity will last.
Practice Social skills and expectations
As adults we may find ourselves assuming that a child knows how to act in various situations. Children with autism may have no idea what is expected in a certain setting and there is a good chance that they may not be concerned about what is expected! Different settings have unspoken conventions that maintain a sense of order. When visiting museums, churches, art galleries, public parks, zoos and amusement parks, think about the hidden rules that typical people just instinctively “know.” Avoid embarrassment and frustration by reviewing the “social rules” ahead of time; keep them short and sweet. Ask the child to repeat them back to you and be clear about a reward or reinforcement for abiding by the conventions.
A social script can be quickly written on paper or a whiteboard before the child is expected to participate in an unfamiliar social situation.
For example, the rules of hanging out on the beach could be written as a social script and reviewed each time a child goes to the beach:
People like to play on the beach and some people like to lie down on the beach.
We are careful not to kick sand on people when we walk in the sand.
We can lay our towels next to each other in the family.
We can lay our towels 1 or 2 big steps away from someone that we do not know.
When we lift our towels we are careful not to shake sand on other people.
The beach is fun.
Choose to have fun
The most important item to make sure you bring along on a vacation is the expectation to enjoy it. Our thoughts control much of what we experience so it is worthwhile to affirm in your own mind that this time away will be fun. Remind yourself to really watch your children as they experience new things; smile, breathe deeply and laugh often. When plans don’t quite work remind yourself that “it is what it is” and your reaction to a situation is really what determines the outcome. Choose to be cheerful and positive and your mood will likely rub off on the rest of your family.
Plopping your children in a car, driving for six hours and telling them to stop whining will not likely result in a great vacation! Planning ahead will play a huge role in creating a holiday that is fun filled. There are little things that we take for granted about traveling that we must be aware of so that we can create a great vacation. You need it. Your family needs it. Go ahead and have fun!
About The Author
Jennifer Krumins is a full time teacher in Ontario, Canada with 20 years of experience in special education and the regular classroom. A mother of three (one of which has autism) she is currently teaching severely challenged teen boys and girls with autism. She is the author of two books:
Been There. Done That. Finally Getting it Right. A Guide to Educational Planning for Students with Autism: Lessons from a Mother and Teacher.
and
One Step at a Time: ABA and Autism in the Classroom; Practical Strategies for Implementing Applied Behaviour Analysis for Student with Autism
Please feel free to visit Jennifer’s website at http://www.autismaspirations.com or email her at krumins@autismaspirations.com
The author invites you to visit:
http://www.autismaspirations.com
Families need vacations: time to escape the regular chores, schedules and routines of home and family. Holidays mean a chance to break away from routine, a change of pace, new setting, different food, people and activities; not exactly autism friendly! Traveling with children is always more challenging, but planning a vacation with a child with autism can seem downright daunting.
There are ways to alleviate some of the stress and create an enjoyable getaway for every member of the family. Some simple guidelines and smart planning will make a big difference!
Start small
Children with autism do best with learning in small steps. If your child has never had time away from home it is wise to take a “mini vacation” for a few hours, build up to a whole day and soon after that a night away. The more familiar a child is with a new activity the less anxiety they will experience. A few hours spent in an activity close to home that is similar to what you plan to do on vacation, will be worth the time and energy. You may choose to visit a local museum, a nearby beach, a mall or spend some time on a boat. The closer the “mini holiday” matches the real thing, the better. The more practice a child has with an activity (given the proper strategies) the more they will be able to regulate emotions and enjoy the experience.
Take time to preview
Our anxiety levels typically increase when we have no clue what to expect about an upcoming event. Many people have a difficult time with the “unknown.” This is particularly true of kids with autism! As adults, we may choose to browse a travel guide, read rating scales and look at photo galleries of places where we plan to visit in order to preview where we are going and what we can expect. Our children who live with autism will benefit from these activities as well. Browse the Internet, peruse travel brochures and maybe even visit a bookstore and/or library to allow your child to read about a specific place that you plan to visit. There is an abundance of books about traveling on an airplane, visiting grandparents, ocean life or life in big cities. Whatever you decide to do with your family, reading about it is an awesome way to acquaint your children with the idea.
Don’t leave home without the visuals
Visual supports are an absolute necessity when traveling with children that have autism…even if you are away from home for a day! Pictures, calendars, maps, brochures and photos provide individuals with autism a priceless gift of predictability and order. Holidays can be filled with distractions, changes of plans, new events and unknown people. The potential for meltdowns is high when family members are tired, routines are off, and emotions and expectations are on overload and. Visual supports can act as an anxiety reducer and a welcome relief.
Individuals with autism gain a sense of calm from predictability and familiarity. When planning a trip, highlight the route on a map and if you know where you plan to stop, mark those spots on the map. Maps are often appealing to children with autism and they provide a visual tool that the child can hold and manipulate as they travel. For children that can read you may consider providing a list of some of the towns or cities through which you will travel. Children can check them off as they go or just use them as a reference when they want to know, where they are. Maps and trip itineraries are useful tools to reduce anxiety because they provide a tangible reference point and predictability. Route changes can also be made quickly on the map or just written on a piece of paper.
Not knowing how days will be filled and what will happen next is unnerving for individuals who live with autism (and for many non autistic people)! Many of us rely on electronic gadgets or day planners to keep us feeling directed, calm and in control. When planning your family trip, bring along a calendar or a day planner of some sort. Attach a strip of Velcro on each day of the trip and bring along pictures of activities or places that are associated with each day. Photographs, brochure cut outs, or homemade pictures will work. If the child is able to read, then writing on the calendar gives our children the opportunity to see what is coming and to organize the time in their minds. The Velcro offers us the flexibility of changing plans if necessary. It also demonstrates to our kids that events are not always fixed; plans change. The key is to teach the child to refer to the calendar when they are feeling uneasy. Reward them when they do so. The alternative is to listen to a constant barrage of questions.
Plan time fairly
Choose a few favorite activities rather than trying to cram everything into the day. A trip to Disneyland can be a sensory nightmare for a child with autism. Limiting the amount of activity done in a day will go a long way to making the trip more pleasant for the whole family. Do you really have to visit all of the theme parks? Is it necessary to shop in every mall? Must you participate in all of the resort activities? Your child with autism may not be capable of managing the sensory, emotional and social stimulation that more typical children are able to cope with.
Holidays by nature, tend to be very social, unpredictable and novel. Children with autism need “downtime” from the hustle uncertainty of holidays. This may mean allowing him to participate in a favorite activity for a portion of time; whatever activity he truly enjoys doing that helps him to unwind. It may mean that the child spins, jumps, twirls a sensory toy or just sits in a chair. Watching the history channel while the family is down at the beach may be just what the teen with autism needs. The activity is child driven and NOT the parent driven. Using a timer or visual clock helps to set parameters around the activity. Using cell phones or Walkie Talkies allow parents and kids to communicate when they are not in direct contact.
Plan for unstructured time
Children with autism may not be able to generate ideas to amuse themselves and parents shouldn’t have to be entertainment directors. Some simple tools will make unstructured times like travel time and waiting for flights much more bearable. Start with a written or picture menu of all of the available items to play with. Be sure to show only the choices that ARE available! Fidget toys, digital toys, magnetic travel games, ipods, handheld games, a whiteboard with markers and magnetic puzzles are invaluable when down time is non negotiable. “Wait cards” and “Unavailable cards” are invaluable when we need to let a child know that an activity or item is either delayed or not available. These cards must be part of the child’s daily life before the vacation so that they are tolerable for the child during the holiday. Pack a bag that contains all of the activities and be sure to have it handy when the waiting begins. Using a timer or a schedule helps the child know how long the activity will last.
Practice Social skills and expectations
As adults we may find ourselves assuming that a child knows how to act in various situations. Children with autism may have no idea what is expected in a certain setting and there is a good chance that they may not be concerned about what is expected! Different settings have unspoken conventions that maintain a sense of order. When visiting museums, churches, art galleries, public parks, zoos and amusement parks, think about the hidden rules that typical people just instinctively “know.” Avoid embarrassment and frustration by reviewing the “social rules” ahead of time; keep them short and sweet. Ask the child to repeat them back to you and be clear about a reward or reinforcement for abiding by the conventions.
A social script can be quickly written on paper or a whiteboard before the child is expected to participate in an unfamiliar social situation.
For example, the rules of hanging out on the beach could be written as a social script and reviewed each time a child goes to the beach:
People like to play on the beach and some people like to lie down on the beach.
We are careful not to kick sand on people when we walk in the sand.
We can lay our towels next to each other in the family.
We can lay our towels 1 or 2 big steps away from someone that we do not know.
When we lift our towels we are careful not to shake sand on other people.
The beach is fun.
Choose to have fun
The most important item to make sure you bring along on a vacation is the expectation to enjoy it. Our thoughts control much of what we experience so it is worthwhile to affirm in your own mind that this time away will be fun. Remind yourself to really watch your children as they experience new things; smile, breathe deeply and laugh often. When plans don’t quite work remind yourself that “it is what it is” and your reaction to a situation is really what determines the outcome. Choose to be cheerful and positive and your mood will likely rub off on the rest of your family.
Plopping your children in a car, driving for six hours and telling them to stop whining will not likely result in a great vacation! Planning ahead will play a huge role in creating a holiday that is fun filled. There are little things that we take for granted about traveling that we must be aware of so that we can create a great vacation. You need it. Your family needs it. Go ahead and have fun!
About The Author
Jennifer Krumins is a full time teacher in Ontario, Canada with 20 years of experience in special education and the regular classroom. A mother of three (one of which has autism) she is currently teaching severely challenged teen boys and girls with autism. She is the author of two books:
Been There. Done That. Finally Getting it Right. A Guide to Educational Planning for Students with Autism: Lessons from a Mother and Teacher.
and
One Step at a Time: ABA and Autism in the Classroom; Practical Strategies for Implementing Applied Behaviour Analysis for Student with Autism
Please feel free to visit Jennifer’s website at http://www.autismaspirations.com or email her at krumins@autismaspirations.com
The author invites you to visit:
http://www.autismaspirations.com
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
What's for Dinner?
In a previous post, I wrote about how important it is to eat dinner together as a family. But if you have a young child, or one who is a finicky eater, mealtimes can be quite unpleasant. Here are some things to consider about young kids and difficult eaters and their food intake. And a sneaky way for you to win the food war.
Children need to eat a lot. Haven’t you ever seen a kid just want to graze all day? Their little bodies need food to keep them growing. Try not to let them fill up on juice and milk a lot throughout the day, because they will feel full and then not want to eat. Also, they will have mood swings as they will come up after drinking their juice or milk, only to swing back down about 30-45 minutes after intake.
Portion sizes for kids should be about one-fourth of an adult portion of food. We have a big problem with our portion sizes in this country, they are too big. But when you sit down to eat with a child and give him as much food as you give yourself, it can take their appetite away before the first bite. They should eat three meals a day, and they should have 1 or 2 snacks a day, too.
Sometimes kids will get on a food jag and only want to eat the same thing for a week or two. That’s ok if it’s something like apples, or macaroni and cheese or chicken fingers, but if it’s just junk food or McDonald’s try to keep in mind that you are the one buying the food. Don’t buy the donuts, cookies or ice cream, and stay away from McDonald’s.
Kids will sometimes skip a meal, but they get the picture pretty quickly that it feels better to have something in your stomach, than nothing at all, so they won’t miss too many. As kids are becoming more independent, they will sometimes use eating as one of the ways to show their burgeoning independence. Try not to engage in battles of the wills with them, just set a good example yourself.
For example, some mothers make a meal for the family, but something else for the young child. I think this is a very bad habit to get started, and don’t recommend it. Kids pick up on and imitate our behavior A LOT, so if you model eating good food, enjoy your meal, say good things about your food and finish it, hopefully he will mimic your behavior.
A good cook book for kids is, The Sneaky Chef by Missy Lapine. There are a lot of fun, kid friendly dishes and she mixes good ingredients in with them, things like beans or vegetables or fish oils. For example, she suggests putting a white puree composed of cauliflower, zucchini, lemon juice and water into the mac and cheese. You puree it first, so your child doesn’t know (sneaky, huh?) but you know she’s getting two types of vegetables with her meal. That way, you feel good knowing your kid is still getting her nutrients even when she is eating macaroni and cheese for the fourth time this week.
She has all kinds of fun recipes like magic meatballs, gotta lotta lasagna, tricky taco soup, even desserts like brainy brownies. Lapine worked in the food industry for years and eventually became certified in the master techniques of healthy cooking from many, many cooking classes.
The good thing about the little bit of extra work that goes into preparing some of these dishes, is that your kid’s taste buds will expand, but you won’t have to fight with her to eat her cauliflower. You won’t have long staring contests, or fights at the table while you implore her to eat carrots, or a salad, which you know is good for her growing body, but she flatly refuses to ingest.
Secondly, along with a lot of good health effects that come from good nutrition, it will improve your child’s mood and keep them more stable with full stomachs, rather than the ups and downs you get as a side effect of the food battles.
Lastly, remember, toddlers grow up eventually, and finicky eaters grow out of it, too. Just breathe and know that kids go through a lot of phases, and this is one of them.
Children need to eat a lot. Haven’t you ever seen a kid just want to graze all day? Their little bodies need food to keep them growing. Try not to let them fill up on juice and milk a lot throughout the day, because they will feel full and then not want to eat. Also, they will have mood swings as they will come up after drinking their juice or milk, only to swing back down about 30-45 minutes after intake.
Portion sizes for kids should be about one-fourth of an adult portion of food. We have a big problem with our portion sizes in this country, they are too big. But when you sit down to eat with a child and give him as much food as you give yourself, it can take their appetite away before the first bite. They should eat three meals a day, and they should have 1 or 2 snacks a day, too.
Sometimes kids will get on a food jag and only want to eat the same thing for a week or two. That’s ok if it’s something like apples, or macaroni and cheese or chicken fingers, but if it’s just junk food or McDonald’s try to keep in mind that you are the one buying the food. Don’t buy the donuts, cookies or ice cream, and stay away from McDonald’s.
Kids will sometimes skip a meal, but they get the picture pretty quickly that it feels better to have something in your stomach, than nothing at all, so they won’t miss too many. As kids are becoming more independent, they will sometimes use eating as one of the ways to show their burgeoning independence. Try not to engage in battles of the wills with them, just set a good example yourself.
For example, some mothers make a meal for the family, but something else for the young child. I think this is a very bad habit to get started, and don’t recommend it. Kids pick up on and imitate our behavior A LOT, so if you model eating good food, enjoy your meal, say good things about your food and finish it, hopefully he will mimic your behavior.
A good cook book for kids is, The Sneaky Chef by Missy Lapine. There are a lot of fun, kid friendly dishes and she mixes good ingredients in with them, things like beans or vegetables or fish oils. For example, she suggests putting a white puree composed of cauliflower, zucchini, lemon juice and water into the mac and cheese. You puree it first, so your child doesn’t know (sneaky, huh?) but you know she’s getting two types of vegetables with her meal. That way, you feel good knowing your kid is still getting her nutrients even when she is eating macaroni and cheese for the fourth time this week.
She has all kinds of fun recipes like magic meatballs, gotta lotta lasagna, tricky taco soup, even desserts like brainy brownies. Lapine worked in the food industry for years and eventually became certified in the master techniques of healthy cooking from many, many cooking classes.
The good thing about the little bit of extra work that goes into preparing some of these dishes, is that your kid’s taste buds will expand, but you won’t have to fight with her to eat her cauliflower. You won’t have long staring contests, or fights at the table while you implore her to eat carrots, or a salad, which you know is good for her growing body, but she flatly refuses to ingest.
Secondly, along with a lot of good health effects that come from good nutrition, it will improve your child’s mood and keep them more stable with full stomachs, rather than the ups and downs you get as a side effect of the food battles.
Lastly, remember, toddlers grow up eventually, and finicky eaters grow out of it, too. Just breathe and know that kids go through a lot of phases, and this is one of them.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Gratitude: It's Your Choice
I have a friend who is about to receive an adopted baby for the second time. The first one passed away. She is understandably nervous about the prospect of bringing home a newborn. But what is sad is she’s gotten herself into a place in her mind where she is gripped with fear.
It occurred to me that like many of us when we encounter a problem, there is a choice we can make about how we choose to see and deal with it. When faced with a problem, I know this is going to sound weird, but if you are grateful for it, you are able to see it differently. And if you are in a place of gratefulness, there is no room for fear.
Take my friend’s issue, for instance, she is fearful about obtaining a new baby that another tragedy could happen, or that she will be reminded of the old feelings she felt when the first baby died.
But, if she flipped it, and thought, “Thank you, God, for another opportunity to receive a baby, thank you for another chance, thank you for allowing me to be a mother again” – the focus is then put on these thoughts and there isn’t room for the fearful thoughts to enter simultaneously.
It’s difficult, I know. It feels strange, and there is even evidence that your brain is so accustomed to processing information in the same way, that when new thoughts like these enter, they are sometimes unrecognizable to your brain.
It is work to change the thought patterns in your head, no doubt about it. I know from my own experience trying to do this with my issues, that it just feels so normal to retreat to my old way of thinking, that even though I know it causes me more grief, I think in the old way rather than working towards seeing the problem in a new light.
But with awareness, comes change. When you start to become aware of the thought patterns in your head, and then a problem arises, you take a step back, decide how you will choose to react to it, either fearfully or gratefully, and then watch as it unfolds. The more often you make the choice of being grateful for the issue in front of you, the better at it you will become.
Then in times of stress, rather than reverting back to your old ingrained habits of being frightened and resisting the problem, you will have trained your brain to find the silver lining within the issue - it is there if you look for it!
It’s almost like working out muscles in the gym. You try a spinning class, and even though you know it will help you lose weight faster, it makes muscles you never even knew you had HURT, so you go back to your aerobic class. But if you keep at the spinning class, pretty soon you tighten up those new found muscles and you enjoy the fact that you’re keeping up now with the other people in the class.
In the same way, the process of gratefulness is working out the muscles in your brain through your thought patterns. And just like sweating through spinning class, the pay off is worth it!
It occurred to me that like many of us when we encounter a problem, there is a choice we can make about how we choose to see and deal with it. When faced with a problem, I know this is going to sound weird, but if you are grateful for it, you are able to see it differently. And if you are in a place of gratefulness, there is no room for fear.
Take my friend’s issue, for instance, she is fearful about obtaining a new baby that another tragedy could happen, or that she will be reminded of the old feelings she felt when the first baby died.
But, if she flipped it, and thought, “Thank you, God, for another opportunity to receive a baby, thank you for another chance, thank you for allowing me to be a mother again” – the focus is then put on these thoughts and there isn’t room for the fearful thoughts to enter simultaneously.
It’s difficult, I know. It feels strange, and there is even evidence that your brain is so accustomed to processing information in the same way, that when new thoughts like these enter, they are sometimes unrecognizable to your brain.
It is work to change the thought patterns in your head, no doubt about it. I know from my own experience trying to do this with my issues, that it just feels so normal to retreat to my old way of thinking, that even though I know it causes me more grief, I think in the old way rather than working towards seeing the problem in a new light.
But with awareness, comes change. When you start to become aware of the thought patterns in your head, and then a problem arises, you take a step back, decide how you will choose to react to it, either fearfully or gratefully, and then watch as it unfolds. The more often you make the choice of being grateful for the issue in front of you, the better at it you will become.
Then in times of stress, rather than reverting back to your old ingrained habits of being frightened and resisting the problem, you will have trained your brain to find the silver lining within the issue - it is there if you look for it!
It’s almost like working out muscles in the gym. You try a spinning class, and even though you know it will help you lose weight faster, it makes muscles you never even knew you had HURT, so you go back to your aerobic class. But if you keep at the spinning class, pretty soon you tighten up those new found muscles and you enjoy the fact that you’re keeping up now with the other people in the class.
In the same way, the process of gratefulness is working out the muscles in your brain through your thought patterns. And just like sweating through spinning class, the pay off is worth it!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Family that Eats Together...
I was very surprised in talking with the principal at my son's school when she said, "Do you know what's been proven to be the best way to pull kids test scores up? Having dinner together."
I looked it up and the study she was quoting was research done at the University of Michigan that indicated that "family meal time was the single strongest predictor of of better achievement scores and fewer behavior problems."
According to a study done by the Harvard Medical School, families who eat together are less likely to eat fried foods and drink sodas, more likely to have more fruits and vegetables, and drink more milk. Which in turn, keeps children from becoming obese; odds were 15% lower that the kids would be overweight. Plus, with the good food intake, and increased conversation, kids are healthier and more connected to their families; leading to higher self-esteem and more energy to study.
It doesn't need to be fancy or forced, but it is a great habit to get into. And don't forget to turn off the television and put down the cell phones and books. Look at each other, ask how their days went, which friends they played with, etc. Then you are involved with each other and if something pops up down the road, you are aware of when it started to become an issue.
It will also have the added benefit of helping your marriage, if you're married. It's a nice way to reconnect, find out about each other and finish off a day.
It could help on test scores that day, too. For example, I've been known to give spelling tests over cereal, or hold up flash cards over toast and juice. A good early morning review can only help. But the real benefit is to your family, sharing time and love around a meal.
Some other suggestions for keeping it fun and not stressful,
* If Dad doesn't come home until later, have everyone reassemble for dessert together.
* It doesn't necessarily have to be dinner, it could be lunch on the weekends in the park or breakfast a couple times a week.
* Go out to a restaurant - eating out can be fun and special.
* Have the kids help you prepare it, then they can be in on what you choose to eat, they can learn some math as they are cooking it, and they feel like it's a family meal.
The family that eats together, stays together. It's that important, so make sure you are making the time to do this as a family at least four times a week.
Quoted information taken from http://www.hhs.gov/ohr/eap/newsletter/spring07.pdf.
Problem Solving Kids Turn into Problem Solving Adults
I was reading an interview with the comic Jerry Seinfeld in Parade Magazine recently, (http://www.parade.com/celebrity/2010/02/jerry-seinfeld.html) and he discussed what he considers to be the three rules of parenting, what he refers to as the "Poison Ps."
Number 1 he thinks we praise our children too much. Because when they hear it too often, it doesn't ring true. Children can sniff out a lie almost as fast as you can tell it.
Number 2 is problem solving - that parents try to foster a problem free environment, or if a problem arises, the parent fixes it for the child. This doesn't allow for the child to learn to solve his own problems and this is an incredibly important life long skill we all need.
Number 3 is giving your child too much pleasure. If you spoil them it takes that much more for them to experience the pleasure of a situation. There was a show on MTV called My Sweet Sixteen where parents would throw absolutely obscene birthday parties for their children when they turned 16 years old -- stretch limos, live bands, expensive clothes, catered food with ice sculptures -- the whole bit. If this is what happens at 16, what happens when they graduate high school, or college, or get married?
But I want to focus in on Number 2 - problem solving. It's difficult sometimes to hear one of my children cry and not run over and fix it for him. (I admit, sometimes I do run over and fix it for him.) But sometimes, when you let them feel the feeling, or taste the consequence, the lesson sinks in much deeper for them, than it would have if you fixed it for them. And in the long run, that is more helpful to them.
I was at a party one time when a little girl wanted to dance with the other little kids, and she kept tugging on her mother's sleeve, begging her mother to dance with her. The girl is shy and the mother wanted her to dance on her own, to show her she was able to do it by herself and boost her confidence. The mother politely told the little girl no over and over, she wouldn't dance with her. This went on for about 20minutes until finally, the girl realized if she was going to dance, she was going to have to go it alone.
And she did.
And she had a great time doing it. If we always fix their problems for them, they don't learn their about their own abilities, their own strengths, their own power to figure it out for themselves. And that is a life skill every single person needs to survive in this world. We all have problems that arise everyday. Unfortunatly, that is something that never goes away. People who are successful are able to understand the problem, find a solution for it, and keep on going. People who are not successful, get angry that the problem is happening again, and complain about it rather than just solving it and moving on.
And you know that old adage is true: little kids, little problems - big kids, big problems. If you are able to show them at a young age, that they have the ability to solve their own problems, when the consequences are higher and the need is greater for them to come up with an answer, the problem-solving ability will be there.
So, I agree with Mr. Seinfeld, and I think it's ok for a kid to have to see or feel a problem (even if that means crying) and learn to deal with it on his own. Don't fix everything for them, let them figure it out, and know that this will serve them well as they get older.
Number 1 he thinks we praise our children too much. Because when they hear it too often, it doesn't ring true. Children can sniff out a lie almost as fast as you can tell it.
Number 2 is problem solving - that parents try to foster a problem free environment, or if a problem arises, the parent fixes it for the child. This doesn't allow for the child to learn to solve his own problems and this is an incredibly important life long skill we all need.
Number 3 is giving your child too much pleasure. If you spoil them it takes that much more for them to experience the pleasure of a situation. There was a show on MTV called My Sweet Sixteen where parents would throw absolutely obscene birthday parties for their children when they turned 16 years old -- stretch limos, live bands, expensive clothes, catered food with ice sculptures -- the whole bit. If this is what happens at 16, what happens when they graduate high school, or college, or get married?
But I want to focus in on Number 2 - problem solving. It's difficult sometimes to hear one of my children cry and not run over and fix it for him. (I admit, sometimes I do run over and fix it for him.) But sometimes, when you let them feel the feeling, or taste the consequence, the lesson sinks in much deeper for them, than it would have if you fixed it for them. And in the long run, that is more helpful to them.
I was at a party one time when a little girl wanted to dance with the other little kids, and she kept tugging on her mother's sleeve, begging her mother to dance with her. The girl is shy and the mother wanted her to dance on her own, to show her she was able to do it by herself and boost her confidence. The mother politely told the little girl no over and over, she wouldn't dance with her. This went on for about 20minutes until finally, the girl realized if she was going to dance, she was going to have to go it alone.
And she did.
And she had a great time doing it. If we always fix their problems for them, they don't learn their about their own abilities, their own strengths, their own power to figure it out for themselves. And that is a life skill every single person needs to survive in this world. We all have problems that arise everyday. Unfortunatly, that is something that never goes away. People who are successful are able to understand the problem, find a solution for it, and keep on going. People who are not successful, get angry that the problem is happening again, and complain about it rather than just solving it and moving on.
And you know that old adage is true: little kids, little problems - big kids, big problems. If you are able to show them at a young age, that they have the ability to solve their own problems, when the consequences are higher and the need is greater for them to come up with an answer, the problem-solving ability will be there.
So, I agree with Mr. Seinfeld, and I think it's ok for a kid to have to see or feel a problem (even if that means crying) and learn to deal with it on his own. Don't fix everything for them, let them figure it out, and know that this will serve them well as they get older.
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